Lessons

It all started with a simple comment, a comment that turned into a conversation topic, that turned into a debate, that turned into an argument, that turned into failure, that tuned into shame, that turned into disgust, that turned into a lesson.

He has such an intellect. He is the most intelligent man I know. He loves to debate. All his beliefs have come from compromise in debate, from understanding another’s point-of-view. He could not understand mine.

I am not so bright. I used to think I was smart, but that was until I met him and found a world of knowledge that I never knew existed. His physiological and psychological conversations were beyond me, over my head, so I would listen intently and nod my head. I love hearing his voice.

Being not quite as intelligent, but having good common sense, I avoided debating him as much as I could. A debate with him will only end in frustration. Everything I say he turns around to work for him, to strengthen his point.

So, finally, seeing no way to win, I give in or give up. My beliefs are not backed up strongly enough to continue in such detailed debates. I’d try to change the subject.

At this he became frustrated and angry. He went off on me, annoyed by my lack of self-respect. I begged for him to calm down, to understand, to have sympathy, to forgive, to forget, but he couldn’t.

He didn’t know how he could treat me with respect if I had none for myself. He stretched my view of me to something that became real, easily understood. I didn’t believe I could ever match his intellect. He said “if you go into a fight believing you will lose, you will.”

Humans are set off because they have the capacity to think and reason. Since I was lacking this, I view myself as less-than-human, says he. Therefore, he should do the same.

To avoid future fights, he limited me to “love-talk” and single sentences, saying it would be best for all. From this I was jolted into realizing how my view of myself influences those around me.

I love him and might even be content being seen but not heard, but that would not be right. I want more for us. I want to be able to hold my own in a deep conversation with him.

So, I must learn to accept myself, to further myself, to respect myself. His disappointment in me encourages me to change. Could that be why he acted so cruelly? Did he want me to see what he has known for so long that I hid from? He truly is what I need.

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